As Close To Dying
by Cailin
Summary: Sams thoughts and feelings, at the end of In My Time of Dying. It's written in Poetry format.


Ewww…..Ok so like 3 hours after watching "My time of dying" And I just realized the last thing Daddy W. said to Sam and I'm sitting in the computer lab at my school crying! It is probably the saddest thing ever! I can't believe they killed off Daddy Winchester!

Alright, I'm not sure if you guys will be confused by this or not. It's all Sam's thoughts and then Sam describing something….And I hope it makes sense.

**As Close to Dying**

By Cailin

_It starts in your chest, right over your heart.  
Then it slowly spreads across  
At first it's tight and then it warm as it makes its way across to your ribs.  
It surprises you so much at first that you rub a little, hoping that it will go away.  
But by then it's already on the move._

You were a jerk.  
You always were one when it came to him.  
You had tried to come up with excuses as to why you always gave him such a hard times but that's all they were: excuses.  
And excuses don't change anything.  
Excuses don't make you feel any better.  
They don't help you to move on.  
They don't bring him back.   
They just make you feel worse because they just help you to realize what the real problem was-  
that you were a jerk.

_It starts in your chest, but it moves to your body.  
It's kind of a tingle, and it makes you feel heavy.  
Kind of like moving in molasses.  
Your arms feel like lead and you have to drop them to your side,  
because even they are too heavy for you to lift anymore._

You were a jerk, yet he still loved you.   
You may have fought like hell, but he loved you.   
You know that he had said it to you, but right now you can't remember if you had told him that or not.  
Because you were being a jerk, and trying to start something.  
And even though you should have been happy and relieved, you were angry.

_It starts in your chest but you know you're in trouble when it's moves to your throat.  
It constricts the muscles and you don't even think you can breathe.  
You certainly can't swallow.  
You lean your head back to try and ease the strain, but it never works._

You weren't angry.  
You know that now.  
You were scared.  
When you had gone for your fathers help and couldn't find him,  
you were scared that you were going to loss not only Dean, but your father as well.

_Once it's in your throat, you know your eyes are next.  
But by then you don't care,  
because once it's at your eyes you're so numb that it's easier to just give in._

You weren't scared.  
You were petrified.  
Petrified of being the only one left.  
And deep down you knew that in this battle- this war, in the end, you would be.  
And the thought left you shaking in your boots.  
But you didn't want them to know that, so you just went with the anger.

_It starts in your chest, right over your heart.  
And that's where it should start.  
It's the body's way of dealing.  
You've only felt it once before, but not to this extent.  
Before, you were able to gather yourself and push it aside, but not this time.  
And this time you don't really want to.  
This time there is no need to._

You were being a jerk, and tried to start something with him, even though you could see how tired he was.  
How down right drained he looked.  
How defeated he was.  
And when he asked you not to fight;  
when he begged you not to fight anymore, because he didn't even know why you were fighting, you almost broke then.  
So when he asked you for coffee, you took the chance to get out of there.  
Before you did something you would really regret.  
But it was to late, regret had already sunken it's claws in.

_Its starts in your chest,  
right over your heart,  
and that seem just right to you.  
And you know this is probably what your dad felt, in his last seconds.  
Because this is what it feels like for your heart to break.  
And it's as close to dying as you can imagine._

The End

OK, so I hope you like….I did, but I wrote it so…..Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm the only person in the world that knows what that the feeling is or has felt it before. It's from my own personal experience. And they only way I can describe it is your heart breaking. And I think that's really what it is. I can not imagine the pain that Sam would go through, knowing that the last time he talked to his father he had tried to start a fight. Especially, if he knew what his father had been doing. And I think if they were real people and not super strong TV characters who aren't really affected by what goes on around them, that Sam would be inconsolable.


End file.
